I think it is a go...

I am sitting here in the hospital room. The doctor has agreed to start me on the pitocin. David went home to go drop the kids off (thank you so much Cicely) and bring Grandma back with him. A million thoughts keep running through my head. And strangely, one of the biggest ones is fear. I was so afraid to leave my other children. I am not worried about them being with someone else. I know they will be just fine. I am just worried about them being without me. Does that make sense? I sit here and think about them and how much I love them and feel like maybe I have been so anxious for another little baby that I have taken the sweet babies that I have already for granted. I suppose being in a dangerous situation (and lets face it, giving birth is always dangerous no matter what advances have been made in medicine over the years) makes you take a good look at yourself and what you have done with your life and what you would like to do differently. The biggest thing that I want to change right now is just to be a better mother. I don't really think that I am a bad mother. My kids are both pretty healthy, happy, well adjusted children, but I know there are areas where I can improve. My kids are so amazing, and frequently I wonder if I am doing all the things I should to be the mother that they deserve.

I love my curious little Gracie. She has pretty much constant comments and questions about the world around her, and she really wants to share all of her thoughts with me. Her mama (that title is so special... better than any other!). She is always happy, always smiling. She loves to dance and to sing. She sat on the couch with my mom this morning and the looked at these silly little animal cards that we got at the zoo last night and made up songs about them. Gracie loves to make up songs all the time. She is really excited about life, and I hope she can always keep that excitement. Sammy is similar in many ways to Gracie, but is definitely his own man. He is much more reserved than Gracie ever has been. He is content to play with his mom and dad. Where Gracie was always very social with everyone around her, stranger or not, Sammy always wants one of his parents near. He loves to bring me his blanky and curl up with (or on if he gets his way) me. He is also a very happy child and keeps me laughing. We put his Halloween costume on him the other day (a dragon that Grandma brought to him) and he can just see the dragon's head and tongue when he looks up. He kept running around and around the room and growling at the dragon. Both of my babies bring a huge ray of sunshine into my life. I don't think there are adequate words to really describe how it feels to be a mother to these two sweet angels sent from my Heavenly Father for me to love. I hope and pray every day just to be the mother they deserve. I can't wait to see them each day as the grow.

And I love this little baby that is coming to join our family. I don't even know if it is a girl or a boy, but I love it to pieces anyway. All the love I feel for it doesn't in any way diminish the love I feel for Gracie and Sammy though. I am just sitting here in my room by myself, thinking and crying, because I love them so much. I am sure the nurse must think my contractions are worse than they really are, or maybe I have been successful at wiping my eyes before she comes into the room each time. I am just so grateful for these moments to think about my babies and how much I love them.